Dear Mr. Gander, Mr. Gander and Ms. Goose,
First, my most sincere condolences for the loss of the other Mrs. Goose and one gosling on 5/27 at the hands of Mr. Fox. We are truly sorry for the loss of your dear sister/wife/mother/son/daughter.
We would like to express our absolute joy at the growth of your brood of seven. Your parenting would shame even the most anxious Manhattan mom or dad, as your helicoptering and minding ceases neither day nor night.
To the task at hand: As laudable as your efforts are, we are writing to remind you that the landowners, Katie and Matt, do reserve the right to utilize and occupy shared spaces including, but not limited to: 1) the driveway 2) the front yard 3) the entrance to their house 4) the garage and environs. It has come to their attention that you wish to dispute this ownership, and that you have in fact chased them and several guests in the driveway at numerous times, employing threatening gestures while disturbing the peace. In his affidavit, the UPS man reports “they are not the worst geese on my route but they chase my truck every time.”
Your landlords would like to remind you that you inhabit this farm at their pleasure, and the threatening words and gestures that you employ are unwelcome and could be grounds for termination at a later date. The terms of your lease are non-negotiable because you are birds and birds cannot sign legal contracts, even upon reaching the age of majority.
Please cease and desist your aggressive behavior, or our actions will escalate.
Katie’s pretend-lawyer, conveniently also named Katie.